In the depths of my being, I grapple with an overwhelming fear—the fear of making mistakes. It consumes me, particularly during moments of great significance, leaving me trembling with anxiety. The mere thought of tarnishing something precious fills me with dread, and yet, my fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I recall a pivotal event where I was in charge of setting up the stage. I wanted it to be perfect, and I tried so hard until I smashed the vase. The only one we had, and the main set was in the middle of the stage.

I fucked up, how am I going to pay for it?

Then I started to blame something else. “The table is unstable, the tablecloth is too slippery, I didn’t do anything,” I said. I hated myself for lying, for running away from responsibility, for my poor self-esteem and weakness. It was a nightmare, and I remember that my colleagues tried not to blame me, but they could find no one else. I knew it was me, they knew it, and I knew they knew it.

If you look at my past life, I did the same shit all the time. In junior high school, I told my friend that I wanted a guinea pig. He said he would give it to me for my birthday next week, I laughed. No way, we were in a boarding school and it was not allowed to bring a pet to school. But he did, he asked before he came, I said “Sure, I’ll take it”.

No, I did not. When the supervisor found out and asked whose guinea pig it was, of course I denied it. I heard myself say, “I don’t know anything about it, I didn’t ask him to bring it”. Then his parents were called. Again, I knew it was me, he knew it, the supervisor knew it and I knew they knew it.

I think it is becoming a habit not to take the consequences of my mistakes. What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid? I’m afraid of being blamed by others, by my parents, by teachers, by colleagues, by myself. I’m afraid of mistakes, imperfections, shortcomings and weaknesses.

Until I came here, every time I messed up, the most common phrase I heard was “it happens”.

It happens, it’s normal

It happens, it’s OK

It happens, it’s just a mistake

Those three simple words were meant to pacify, to normalize my missteps. “It happens, it’s normal. It happens, it’s okay. It happens, it’s just a mistake.” And now, the heart that I once sought to protect by creating escape routes is armed with this simple phrase.

I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, delving into the wisdom of the Four Agreements. The second agreement, “Don’t take things personally,” struck a chord within me. I realized that for the past twenty-three years, that is precisely what I have done—I have taken everything personally. My country, my parents, my job, my grades, my abilities, and yes, even my mistakes—they have all become intertwined with my sense of self. They have defined me and weighed me down.

But they are not the entirety of who I am, nor can they define me. It is a simple truth, easy to say, yet difficult to truly believe. And yet, here I stand, raising my flag of acceptance in the year 2024. My resolve is clear—to embrace my mistakes, to confront them head-on, and to whisper to myself, “It happens.”

In this act of acceptance, I free myself from the suffocating grip of self-judgment. I recognize that mistakes are an integral part of the human experience, a pathway to growth and understanding. They do not represent my entire being, nor do they determine my worth. And so, with this newfound perspective, I embark on a journey of self-compassion and growth.